20 things about me

i've read on a few blogs these lists of things people post about themselves. so i grabbed a number and lets see if i can come up with 20 things about myself.

1.i love to write in my journal. at least 5 times a week.

2. i always throw away my journals every couple years. i do this because a lot of times they are full of sh** and even though they are full of blessings and good things, i only write for myself. to get things out of my head.

3. i love cheese. on just about every meal.

4.i think i have to eat chocolate every day.

5. i have normal sugar levels even though i crave chocolate. i do not have normal weight levels (as you can tell in the above photo)

6. i love to watch days of our lives. sometimes i will go months without watching it, cause there is so much drama involved and i need some peace. but i usually come back to it. i have been watching it for like 23 years. :0 i know thats pure dedication.

7. i am recording "days" lately so i can skip the commercials. i love it so much. it is an addiction i dont mind having.

8. i think about creating everyday. but i don't actually create every day.

9. speaking of tv. i love to watch ugly betty. i know. but i laugh out loud at this show. sometimes you need those things that make you belly laugh, even if they are silly tv shows.

10. i love the color yellow. it brings me so much joy. clothes, paper, fabric, walls, i probably have many yellow things if i think about it. yes. yellow purse, wallet, earrings (many). all yellow shades of paper. dishes, coffee cups, sweaters, shirts, a yellow embroidery hoop, couch pillows...you get the idea right??

11. thinking of 20 things is harder than it seems. im not a very organized thinker. no i am not. i am all over the place really.

12. i try to read every night at bedtime. i wish i could say i was reading scripture, but no. i read fiction. i have a stack of books at my bedside table and i have to read them.

13. i do not like to do anything that involves risks. or water. yeah, i get full of anxiety over both. anything slightly adventurous scares me and i have grown into this crazy thing about big bodies of water. i dont like them. i cant handle them. i have not been swimming since i was pregnant with camille. that would be 12 years ago...well longer cause shes 12... good grief. sometimes fears just build and grow and you just have to deal with them the ways you can. or not deal with them in the ways you can. oh- i also have a huge fear of the dentist. like horrible. i mean its bad. i get stomach cramps for days knowing i have to go to the dentist. its just devastating to me. ive had thousands of dollars of work done on my teeth, and i have horrible crappy teeth, and it breaks my little heart. i wish i had nice straight, strong happy healthy teeth, but i dont. and its sad.

14. i have to wear socks and covers to bed each night. it doesnt matter if its hot, i need them both, or i have bad dreams--well nightmares without them. in the last 20 years that i can remember i have worn socks to bed. it is a must or i freak out.

15. i have bad dreams almost every night. (even with the socks and covers) ive had them since i was a little girl. sometimes they wear me out by the time i wake up. i feel tired and overwhelmed. not a good way to wake up each day. and it bothers alex cause i toss and turn if they are real bad. (like last night) sometimes they twist and turn into many bad dreams all night. some stem from childhood fears or things that happened to my family as a child. and others are obviously from fears i have today. usually my bad memory helps me to forget them during the day. but they always return each night. :(

16. i always think of really fun projects to do with the kids, but it seems like we never have time to do them. or i forget. or when we do them, i plan them better in my head. or the kids fight and argue while we do them and i forget why i wanted to do them in the first place. like the idea seemed better than all the work. but they dont always go crazy. sometimes they turn out just lovely and im happy we did it. well most of the time i guess.

17. i really am missing my little kids. they are all about as big as me now. they are still often sweet and hug me occasionally, but its not very often. and i miss their sweet little tiny-ness...sometimes i look at them and see their little toddler selves, and it makes my heart burn with love. it makes me miss them and want more babies. i had them all so fast and at such a busy time in my life. going to college...etc...i never had the chance to really devote my all to them the way i wish i could have. i guess thats life. i always read things that say they grow up in the blink of an eye. im learning that is true. and if you have a horrible memory like me--well then you really feel that way. (of course i treasure being with them now too. they are smart and funny and are full of such life and curiosity and wonder still...love them!!)

18.henry our staffy puppy makes me crazy each day. sometimes i actually cry having to take care of him all day. he is too much work for me, but alex doesnt really care. he loves him, and he thinks that since i love him (alex) and i am home all day then it should be easy for me to care for him. but its not. he is a lot of work, and sometimes i secretly hate him. i am beginning to like him, probably even love him. but i hate taking care of him all day. hes just too much work and screws with everything in the house. he does make me love buster even more. cause buster sleeps all day and is calm and loving. henry is a spit fire who hardly naps and comes at you full force. and chews everything and bites on buster and makes us both mad. in his defense, he is kinda sweet. well maybe not sweet. but he has his ways. he suckers me into smiling at him and shaking his paw--cause its so sweet that he can do it. and sometimes when he looks at you, its like you can see his personality in his little face. he is smart and does kinda smart cute doggie things that buster cant do. like roll over. and shake and sit and look at you like hes figuring things out---and then he'll run away and jump up and sit at the table, or try to sneak something in a funny way to his bed. yes i love and dislike him at the same time. we call him "little man". cause hes totally buff and he could totally kick all our butts...he even mad dogs us...that means he glares at us in a way that shows us he will kick our butts..its so funny.

19. i am more than forgetful. i cannot remember anything. it is very annoying and very crippling to me. i am discovering it may be more than memory lately. it may be some kind of disorder. its all combined with not thinking straight, being unorganized, not able to make a plan and stick to it...scatterbrained with good intentions. if you have a name for this, please let me know. its going to involve a Dr. visit very soon i think. the older i am getting, the harder it is to be me. and so its time to figure out what this really is

20. my goal for march is to lose 5 pounds. today is day 5 of march. im not off to a very good start. i have cut back on food. but mostly food isnt my problem, its exercising. i dont know why but it is SO hard to get into a routine of getting off my butt. but its only the afternoon today. and i have some weeks left. there is still time. i am tired of feeling chubby, none of my clothes fit me, and it makes me sad that i only have 10 pounds to lose and i cannot committ myself to do it. wish me luck.

okay. sheesh. that was kinda hard to think of 20 things to write about. but i did it. give it a try.

xoxox